SATRC: Finding your dominatrix, and a moment for my #MeToo

Welcome to Sex and the River City: Sacramento’s sex-positive sex and love advice column.

Kenna Cook

Hey Kenna,

Why is it so difficult to find a beautiful dominatrix in the Sacramento area? I would love to explore but just can’t seem to find what I’m looking for. Have any tips?

-Seeking Submission in Sacramento

Dearing Seeking,

In terms of finding a dominatrix in Sacramento, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself to find a great top for your bottom:

Are you looking for someone who you explore fantasies and fetishes with or someone to be in a relationship and possible power dynamic with?

It’s one thing to want to have a one-time tryst with someone who knows how to handle a paddle, and it’s quite another to be in a power dynamic. The “DS” part of BDSM stands for Domination and Submission. To be someone’s submissive takes dedication and commitment, as well as clearly defined and discussed desires, boundaries and hard limits. A power dynamic can be part of a romantic relationship or it can be the entirety of the relationship with no romantic entanglement.

What are you looking to specifically explore?

All dominatrixes, or dommes, have different areas of expertise – from rope bondage to pain and impact to humiliation. It is important to identify your wants and needs so you can find your best match.

If you don’t have a profile on FetLife.com yet, it’s basically like a kinky Facebook. You can look for people that are interested in your interests and write up a good description on your profile page of what you want to explore – all while keeping your anonymity intact with a pseudonym username. You can search by location, join local groups and ask other people in your area for references and recommendations to connect you with people that are into what you’re into.

What’s your budget?

A good domme costs good money. You’re paying for someone who is an expert in the areas of consent, BDSM and aftercare. Dommes take pride in what they do because sex work is real work. I have a monthly sex toy budget, so a monthly sex worker budget isn’t that unusual–it’s just taboo.

Are you willing to travel?

There is a larger and more professional selection of BDSM practitioners and kink enthusiasts in the Bay Area, thanks to public BDSM community play spaces like the Citadel in San Francisco and dungeons like Black Thorn in Oakland. Sacramento is a much smaller community for kink, and it is much harder to find without turning to the internet and word-of-mouth for details.

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Content warning: This section has graphic descriptions of sexual assault and disassociation.

After I answered the above SATRC reader’s question, the #MeToo hashtag took over Facebook and Twitter. I couldn’t escape thinking about how many times I’d experienced sexual harassment. I was culturally conditioned to believe that catcalls would be part of my daily life, starting in middle school. But I always thought that my sexual assaults (yes, plural) made me different than other women because I didn’t consider them “textbook” sexual assault.

After the downpour of sexual assault survivors speaking up about their diverse assaults in the past week to offer solidarity to others, it is crucial that I share my story with Sacramento folks so they know they can turn to me for support and solace. It is important to me to protect others. It is vital for me to speak my truth.

I was sexually assaulted at a Sacramento BDSM venue in March 2016. This was my very first time attending a public play party at a “dungeon” space. I was brand new to the kink scene–meaning that I had never participated in anything other than bedroom BDSM, and I was eager to meet more people and try out public play and explore my exhibitionism.

I was coerced into allowing complete strangers to perform oral sex on me. I had at least three men–including the owner of the dungeon space–put their hands and mouths on and inside of my body while I was in a dissociative episode. At least 10 people watched while this happened–including the man I attended the event with on a date–and because I was “zoning out” and not screaming NO, no one stepped in to stop my sexual assault.

After that night, I blamed myself for what happened. I told myself that it couldn’t have been sexual assault because it wasn’t like the rapes I’d seen on Law and Order: SVU, where a lonely girl is mugged in a dark alley at gunpoint. I told myself that if it was really sexual assault, the people watching would have stopped it. The guy I went to the event with called me a “slut” and an “attention whore” for letting it happen when I told him how violated and helpless it made me feel.

This was victim-blaming. This was gaslighting. This was why I left the local kink scene and abandoned my FetLife profile for months. Consent violations can happen in spaces that are supposed to be the most sexually progressive and sex-positive.

I’m not going to stay quiet or blame myself anymore. I am going to help others stay safe. Here is a list of the BDSM spaces in Sacramento are creating a safe, consent-centered spaces, because our community is too small–and too many sexual assaults have already happened in it. You can find more details by searching for these groups on FetLife.com:

  • The Gallery
  • The Black and Tan
  • Rope and Coffee

If you or someone you know has survived sexual assault, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline to talk to a trained staff member from your local sexual assault service provider at 1 (800) 656-4673. You are not alone. Me too.

Got questions on kink, love or sex-positive Sacramento? Email Kenna at kennac.se@gmail and have your question featured in next month’s Sex & the River City column.

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Kenna Cook
Kenna Cook is a pansexual, polyamorous, pun-loving pleasure professional and single parent born and raised in the River City. Whether you're inspired or mystified by all those nouns, send your sex and love questions to her for deep-dive discussion each week.