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SATRC: Meeting the green-eyed monster

The Hulk. [Open source image.]

Got a burning desire, a burning sensation, or a relationship issue that’s about to burn all your bridges? Let Sex and the River City throw you a love life lifeline and answer your questions! Send them via email to V:RC sex columnist Kenna Cook at And don’t forget to follow her at!

Hey Kenna,

I need your help since you’re a sex person. I have been having thoughts about The Hulk, like why he’s got his entire naked body painted green. Is it normal to want to paint my penis and body green like The Hulk? What’s the makeup process?

-Dreaming of Green

Kenna Cook

Before I answer, I first want to put out there that this was an unsolicited direct message I received on Twitter. Being a public-facing “sex person,” I field lots of questions which often cross the boundary of what is an appropriate ask and what is sexual harassment. I’m in the business of sexual education, and honestly believe that there are no dumb questions. I don’t “yuck” someone else’s “yum,” but I do want people to do things safely, sanely and consensually–including the way in which they are asking me about them.

Ok, now on to fantasy and roleplay talk!

Dear Green,

So, you’ve got the hots for a comic book character? I have to say welcome to the club. I’ll admit that the first erotic movie I ever saw wasn’t X-rated.

The 1997 campy cult classic “Batman and Robin” is what sent my preteen nerve bundles into hormonal overdrive. Uma Thurman slinking around, poisoning men with her toxin-filled tongue kisses as Poison Ivy occupied my daydreams for months. It was also an early clue that both my taste in films and my sexuality weren’t as straight as I was raised to perceive them.

To answer your question about desiring a full-body, Hulk-inspired paint job to achieve sexual arousal, let us first deconstruct what “normal” sexual desire is.

What is sexually “normal” to one person can be completely abnormal to another, influenced by societal and cultural views, age, religion and personal interest in an activity. The National Survey for Sexual Health and Behaviors, conducted by Indiana University sexual health researchers at the infamous Kinsey Institute, has found that American adults have an “enormous variability in the sexual repertoires,” meaning that sexually active adults engaged in over 40 combinations of sexual activity outside of intercourse during their last sexual encounter.

Hey look, a data set about sex! I’m a brainy sex nerd and this kind of does it for me (Source: NSSHB).

When you start talking about incorporating atypical objects or situations to achieve sexual arousal, that’s where roleplay, fantasies and fetishes come in!

A fetish is the use of a specific inanimate object–like shoes, feet, latex or comic book characters–as the preferred method of achieving sexual arousal. Having a fetish is NOT considered a sexual disorder unless it causes a person significant distress or impairs functioning, according to Psychology Today.

Movie poster for the porno film Avengers XXX: An Axel Braun Parody.

Now, on to how you can live out your great green fantasy!

If your interest and arousal lie in wondering what The Hulk would look like stripped down, there is a whole genre of parody movie porn. Porn megastar Axel Braun has produced and directed sexy superhero films, including “Avengers XXX: An Axel Braun Parody” in 2012. Naked Hulk in the desert is your very first shot, letting all his green goods hang out, as I’ve been told in the porn film review.

Braun’s films actually have pretty high production value and costuming. This makes sense since he is contracted with VIVID Entertainment, one of the largest adult entertainment companies in the world. If you’re looking for more laughs and porn parody puns, check out WoodRocket. Their hit films include “SpongeKnob SquareNuts,” “Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles” and “Strokemon.”

As for painting your body green and Hulking out yourself, make sure you use body-safe paints made for skin, like Mehron Fantasy FX Body Paint. “Nontoxic” is not the same thing as safe for skin, so tempera and acrylic paints should never be used. I also suggest wearing a green Fantasy brand condom instead of painting your penis. Whatever your fantasy is, make sure you are exploring it in a safe and consensual way.


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Kenna Cook
Kenna Cook is a pansexual, polyamorous, pun-loving professional sex educator and parent born and raised in the River City. Whether you're inspired or mystified by all those nouns, send your sex and love questions to her for deep-dive discussion featured each month on "Sex and the River City."